13 Things no one ever told you about having a baby.

C: so you are super preggo and everyone in the world wants to tell you horror stories about how horrendous childbirth is (it isn’t, I can happily write you a nice post all about it if you fancy) but what about all the other things that no one thinks to tell you? Trust me, theres plenty.

1.Goodbye Dignity.
I used to be quite private, you know lady garden viewings for boyfriend in the dark only and all. After 11 hours of labour I literally couldn’t give a shit. I had a midwife in there, a trainee midwife and a trainee doctor all having a cheeky look. If you are worried you will care? You won’t. All you want is the baby out.

2. That initial baby bond?

This is possibly going to be a controversial one. Don’t bother spamming me with hate comments, I am putting this in incase anyone else felt the same and felt guilty about it. So I gave birth and they put a baby on me. I remember staring at her like DID THAT JUST COME OUT OF MY BODY?! Then she pooed on me and I went to surgery for two hours without her (possibly the reason behind the delayed bonding experience) and I thought, yeah nice baby. Liked her about as much as I would if a family member had a baby, then by about three weeks later I would have pushed L in front of a bus if it meant she was okay… and L used to be my fav (don’t tell him he’s not now, he gets funny about it). I have done some research (well, asked people who also had babies) and this seems to be quite common. So if this is you don’t feel guilty about it, give it time and talk to your midwife about it

3. Breastfeeding sucks.

Literally. For something that is meant to be natural it is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. After 3 days I had to give up and bottle feed as my milk didn’t come in and baba was jaundiced and dehydrated. It took 3 weeks for the scabs to disappear.

4. The first night at home will be the worst night of your life.

You are super excited to leave hospital (the food really is bad, I recommend taking ketchup to disguise all food) and you think life will be perfect at home with your new family… THEN YOUR BABY TURNS INTO THE DEVIL. She is no longer tired from the labour, all noises are different from the hospital and she screams the whole night and makes you think you will be a terrible parent and you should probably return her to someone who knows what they are doing. I told my midwife and she laughed and said “first nights at home should come with a health warning” so here you have your warning. Expect the worst and then the next morning you will have your perfect beautiful baba back.

5. Everyone in the world comes to visit and you hate them.

Literally everyone and their wife wants to come visit, squeeze your baby, drink your tea and eat your biscuits that you stole from the hospital. You go from loving everyone telling you how pretty your baby is to wanting to stab them in the face until they leave. Perfectly normal but try and refrain from the stabbing, babies aren’t allowed in prisons.

6. You will cry all the live long day.

You will cry cos your baby’s daddy is being nice to you, at the sad dog advert on the telly, or cos someone offered you a crisp (they were even my own crisps but ya know, such a nice gesture). You will even start crying about how much you have been crying. Don’t worry it all stops after a couple of weeks and you can go back to your normal sassy self.

7. You learn who your real friends are.

The shit ones are the ones that are super excited at the start, want you to text them when you are in labour, come visit all the time the first few weeks (when you don’t actually want visitors) and then send you weird messages about how they miss you and you never get to see them anymore. Not that you are busy with a baby or anything. Ditch the bitches and stick with the ones that bring you food and lol at your weird baby photos and come make your hair look nice for you.

8. Google becomes your best friend and your worst enemy.

You find yourself googling things like “will my baby die from not burping” and endlessly searching for photos of “normal” baby poo. As useful as the internet can be when you actually need to know something, calm down the googling. No babies ever died of not burping.

9. Baby poo will take over your life.

You will become obsessed. Why hasn’t my baby pooed? Is she pooing too much? Is that shit I can smell? I must stop wearing this jumper, its the same colour as baby poo. I will never eat a korma again, all things like that. You will also spend a large amount of your life sniffing your babies bum, don’t worry though, babies only poo when you are ready to go out so you might as well just check then.

10. Labour pains? What about aftershock pains?

Maybe its inappropriate to compare labour to an earthquake, maybe it isn’t. What I do know is that no one warned me about the pains you have afterwards. Literally feels like being beaten up with a cricket bat. Not that I’ve ever played cricket or been hit with a bat but you know, thats how I imagine it feels like. Take lots of baths whilst your partner is off work, have paracetamol and make people do the washing up and stuff for you so you can rest with baba. Don’t try and take the dog for a walk cos thats just stupid and makes it worse.

11. Having a baby is pretty lonely.

Everyone wants to come and visit you the first few weeks, then slowly it stops and your partner goes back to work. Suddenly you are left at home on your own with your beautiful baby and when you finally would like visitors they aren’t interested. Go out. Go visit friends who have children, go annoy your parents/parents in law. Don’t sit at home drinking too much coffee and thinking about how you still look preggo and maybe theres actually another baby in there (there isn’t, it will go by about 10/12 weeks).

12. Health Visitors come and see you and ask weird questions.

“do you think you are depressed?” “Would you say you cry more than 7 times a day?” “Does your partner beat you up” “any history of drug or alcohol abuse?”… don’t answer that one with “I think she’s a bit young for that, she’s only 4 weeks old” Cos they don’t find it funny. In my experience health visitors ask their weird questions and then answer yours with strange things about how every baby is different and give no real advice. Answer them without the jokes (I am probably on some weird bad mother alert list now) and then ask your mother or doctor if your health visitors are useless.

13. Enjoy your tiny baba whilst they are teeny.

I had a baby three months ago and I’m already jealous of other peoples tiny babies. Seriously, suddenly she is massive and I cried and told L she might as well just be 18 and move out now. Maybe dramatic, maybe not. But in all seriousness enjoy those tiny baby cuddles and don’t wish them away cos by the time they are 3 months old they hate being cuddled and just ignore you whilst you try and play with them because they want to watch tv and eat their own feet.

so there we have it, 13 things no one ever tells you about having a baby! Has anyone else had similar experiences? Or do you have something you want to add to the list?! Let me know! #twolittleowls